|back to school|
I am tiptoeing, slowly, trying to feel the old emotion, trying to rescue the old sense of anticipation.
Some days I wake up and I feel too old to feel amazed, too tired. Probably because I have resolved so many pending issues, because I have gone through so much.
I thought this would make me be inspired, but I just can feel that I have seen too much, felt too much... that I have lost naivety, and the desire to start anew.
Does wisdom have to do with it?, because I really feel wiser now, but I feel also that I am convalescent. I am recovering from the life I had and I am somehow mourning the life I had not. And I am also trying to internalize my own transmutation, to assume this absence of fighting.
Today I have the serenity , the knowledge, the joy I longed for. Pain has stopped and suffering has faded away, but I cannot find the old impulse, the need to move forward.
Did it come from anger?. Did it come from the need of surviving?. I think so. It was the only way I could have overcome what I have lived, but now I had to deal with this exhaustion.
It seems that I only can rest and wait, keep the practice and become aware of who I am now, what I want now, every single day.
I will adapt to live at peace. I am sure. I will let go the remaining effects of my struggle, and the sense that something is wrong because I don't feel the same. I won't be in-between anymore.
Meanwhile, I am tiptoeing, slowly, looking inside me, searching through my inner resources, finding the lost expectation of the first day of school: the need to learn, to discover, to connect the points. I know this will help me.
My students are waiting. See you in the classroom.
|so there is courage in blooming...|
Yes, there is courage in showing up once and again.
There is courage in living every day trying to be aware of what happens inside
while the heart stays wide open.
There is courage in embracing every single experience that comes to meet me
and in letting them go when they not longer teach me… or comfort me.
There is courage in starting a new page
without knowing what is going to happen,
and in making room for curiosity regardless of the old pain.
There is courage in becoming the person that I always dreamt of being,
and in being true to myself
There is courage in going through this existence without fear
-even when I am fearful-
one day and another,
and in doing my best regardless what others have to offer me.
There is courage in being myself without making excuses,
and in giving up conditionings
There is courage in coexisting with myself peacefully,
in spreading hope by using only the fabric of my life
and in healing my wounds without any other remedy but love and compassion.
There is courage in me when I wake up slowly after another fail (or fall)
only to listen the tiny voice within,
to stand up for what I believe
or to make a flag only with light.
Yes, there is courage in me,
and there is also courage in you.
After yesterday's post, I experienced some relief, and I realized that I should stop fighting. I thought this morning I would feel uneasy anyway, but I came up with this. Being kind with myself is not always easy, so I think this is a little step in the right direction.
|relapses and reminders|
Since I started this journey, every August I go through the same process. Before the beginning of holiday, I prepare a list of how to use well my free days in order to achieve all the goals that I have set aside the rest of the year. These lists are more intrincate every passing year and include goals that have to do with personal projects which cannot be developed while teaching at university, not only because my work is complex (or I can be prone to procrastinate), but because they demand a state of mind that is not compatible with preparing classes, attending meeting, checking papers and so on. But as soon as I try to do it, I feel just exhausted.
This month hasn’t been a exception. I have been the last ten days (in particular, since Monday) struggling against this, trying to overcome it by allowing myself to rest and feeling guilty at the same time. Finally, I realized that I’ve been playing this same role at least during the last three or four years maybe because every single time, I have forgot to include in my list things that have to do with making a pause. And also that every single year my wiser self forces me to make such pause some way or another.
Retrospectively I see that I could have been happier those days just by accepting my situation and by acting accordingly. This would have happened if I would have been able to stop making (or trying to make), and mainly if I would have been able to stop expecting, longing or rejecting. Obviously, there is nothing I can do regarding the past days, but I am determined (once again) to approach the following weeks more consciously… just because I know I can do it.
Yesterday, while I was thinking of writing this post, I came across this photo of a page of my journal. While looking at it, I became aware of all the strategies I have developed along my life in order to keep that conscious approach, and wondered why it becomes so difficult sometimes, and in particular every August. I came to the conclusion that the end of academic course (and any other stressing situation) seems to be a good moment for the perfectionist inside me to arise and generate all sort of expectations without taking into account my needs. Once I realized that everything fits into place.
Today, I am feeling how my energy is returning and I am sure that soon I will feel ready to do what I had planned. And even when I am also sure that I still have to deal with this biased perspective which was developed as a response to circumstances of my early life, there is hope in my heart.
Probably, because now I don’t try to mend my actions (or reactions), I just accept them and keep going, trusting that I will manage to reach my destiny.
I hope you are having an easy summer, dear friends.
|I love this bend of my path|
It is not what I expected it to be, it is not safe or peaceful. It is complex and chaotic, and triggers moments of doubts. But it is thrilling and beautiful, too. It makes me feel deeply connected to the place from where I come and also quite inspired for the place I am ready to arrive.
Before, I used to think in different terms: the place I wanted to leave versus the place I wanted to reach. Little I knew that as soon as I chose the word for this year (soar) that mindset would be drastically changed. In fact, once I started to work on it months ago, I noticed that the idea of before and after -so to speak- wouldn’t work.
Quite often when we go through complicated events, we are prone to disown them, or the person we were at that moment, and we try to keep only the lessons. It is a strategy that allows us to start healing but after some time (when we get better) we feel that if we want to move forward, we should reclaim ourselves wholeheartedly.
Two months ago or so, I felt that I was about to reach that moment. I knew I had to immerse myself in the connection between all I had lived with the definition of myself from a more authentic perspective in order to be where I dreamt of.
It was a sort of sudden revelation, and not precisely a pleasant one, because I had the feeling that this couldbe a sort of repetition, till I understood that Universe was giving me the chance to integrate all my experiences in a more complex –and complete- tapestry that was still half-done. And so I have been doing.
I’ve been feeling this as a process of putting down roots. Also as a sort of restoration: by trying to avoid pain, I erased many fundamental pieces that linked me to my origins and to the source of my essential energy. Without this protective support, I have felt orphan, but now I am developing parts of myself downward. As a result, my wings have started to unfold. It may sound paradoxical but the more my sense of belonging increases, the more I feel that this will enable flight.
Right now I am feeling a complex sense of heaviness or weight, an irresistible force of attraction to my own purpose and –at the same time- I feel a lightness made of pure joy, of pure grace. It is as if I were on tiptoe, moving to a higher position, springing to the air, looking up, reaching heaven while my core –my true self- shines composed and a golden –endless- rope ties me to it.
I feel as if I were living on earth and wandering through air at the same time, an this is -believe me- a wonderful feeling that is leading me to amazing places from where I am planning to soar even higher.
If you don't find me here, I'll be there... waiting for you.
Much Love to you, dear friends
|at the right place|
Inner peace can be elusive. One doesn’t expect this to happen after living much and accepting even more, after having let go so much and having experienced such a relief. One expects some tranquility, tiny respites that last a bit more. One expects to be able to call a truce with oneself. But expectations can be dangerous. They, indeed, create anxiety, the first enemy of calm and cloud our judgment. And when this happens, no matter how hard the work done has been, anger appears, and frustration reigns supreme.
Let me tell you that I have been feeling that way lately. After living some really changelling years where I have learnt to appreciate the great importance of staying true to myself, I've been trying to move toward new -and more meaningful- goals that are already clear in my mind and feeling totally exhausted at the same time (as I explained on my previous post). As a result, the usual “vicious circle” described above, began: the more I struggled against this fatigue or wanted to fit my preconceived ideas about what I should be doing, the more exhausted and irascible I felt, and the less composed. I started even to wonder what I was thinking when I chose the word soar for this year. However, before completing the whole circle and ending up immerse into self-pity or starting to feel like a miserable failure, this time I decided to ask for guidance and help first. And it came to meet me.
Suddenly I realized that maybe that tiredness was not a laughing matter (or was not only about resting), that maybe it was a way to make me pondering my next movement. I saw clearly that after so many inner changes now I am a person able to make the necessary outer changes, but I also had the strong feeling that I have to stay a bit in my base camp -so to speak-, before starting new adventures.
This has been quite difficult to grasp and to accept: adventures, projects, dreams, experiments (you name it) have been always my lifeblood, and I truly believe that they have saved my life. In fact, nowadays, I still don’t understand very well how I have survived to certain things. And although I guess it partly happened because I probably had the strength required, I also know that much of my impetus came from that desire of keep on walking. But in spite of that, along these weeks I have come to understand that I don’t need to be in survival mode anymore, that I have not to run away or to defend myself, that I am finally totally safe and I can enjoy what is yet to come.
This has been a great find (a tiny epiphany, I would say) not only because many conditionings are starting to fade away as a result, but because it has helped me to acknowledge that I deserve to be here, and this is –believe me- a true turning point. And although this may seem that doesn't make any difference, makes indeed a great difference, dear friends: now it is not only my inner compass which is indicating my true north, I am also facing the right direction.