|holding onto this place|
Lately, I´ve been trying to reinforce my beliefs so I have written a lot about being present because it´s something that I need very much right now. Thanks to this, I am preserving my good sense and my positive mood in this moment of my life. This has made me confirm once again the great importance of a daily practice which allows me to approach these endless changes and mutations.
I think it will never finish, just because life never cease to challenge me (us) but it is evolving. When I started I already was clear about the importance of that practice but I was prone to struggle against what comes to meet me. I was prone to rejection and I usually thought that I could control my life. Indeed, my inner work was initially an attempt to do it although I didn´t know back then.
Now, I have realized that what I try to develop in my life -and to communicate here- is all about surrender. Not about asking, but about accepting. Not about planning, but about believing that things will occur if we trust our path and our inner voice. Not about demanding more or better things, but about being able to discover the unexpected beauty that lies in what already exists. Not about creating a future, but about enjoying the present.
Along these years I have understood that the more I live (and love, when I can) what it is, the more my life looks like as I dreamed of. The more I practice mindfulness, the more I find reasons to live this concrete life. The more I bow down to my destiny, the more I discover that this is the life I was expecting, the life I was meant to live.
However, this is not always easy. If I neglect my practice some way or another, sooner or later I find myself lost in rambling thoughts and attitudes which don´t lead me to any safe place, in particular when something that calls for special efforts appears.
This usually made me feel angry (yes, I know...). I couldn´t believe that after all the hard work, I still could wobble, felt unsteady, but this was exactly what happened. This anger made me be a bit rebellious and develop some resistance, but I am learning to overcome all this. When I need an extra-doses of consciousness I look for it and let my pride and arrogance aside.
Consequently, I often feel that I am repeating myself by the recitation of the same truths once and again but I do it anyway. I have come to the conclusion that repetition, routine and discipline are intrinsic part of my (any) process and the way I am improving little by little.
Today, I come here to claim again one of those old things, because while some life circumstances are testing me (I´ll write about this on coming posts) I need to remind myself that the more I put down roots here -the more I align myself with light and the more I rely on my own inner power- the more I bloom.
"This existence of ours is as transient as autumn clouds.
To watch the birth and death of beings is like looking at the movements of a dance.
A lifetime is like a flash of lightning in the sky.
Rushing by, like a torrent down a steep mountain."
Amidst current hot days I can glimpse that this too will pass.
This constant movement of seasons, days, stars or planets never ceases to amaze me but also makes me experience contradictory feelings, thrill and unease go hand in hand.
Maybe because this reveals the ultimate truth about our time here: it´s captivating yet transitory... and fleeting.
Have a nice weekend dear friends
I think often about all the things I have lived. About all the things that are not going to be back no matter my expectations or longings because they are gone, lost in the weave of time.
Things that often I gave for granted or I appreciated badly just because I thought that the plot of my story would be different and I was not aware of how life can change unexpectedly, how fast days can go by, how chaos and loss are always chasing us. Just because I was not able to understand that order, stability and predictability are just illusions.
When I think about all those things, I feel sorry for myself, yes, I do. This happens because now that I am wise enough to live more in the present I can realize all the things I have overlooked in the past. As a result I grieve for all the tiny moments I ignored and all the opportunities I wasted by feeling miserable or sad or angry or looking for a new day, a new challenge, a new achievement, a new praise.
Of course, this may sound paradoxical: the goal of living in the present is not mourning for the past, but I can´t help it and I am not sure that I want to do it.
Thinking of all the chances that I won´t have again makes me feel a bit sad but also makes me feel awake and attentive. When I discover myself thinking of it, I try not to take delight in it or to fall into the trap of yearning and grief. I try not to look at my memories with anger or guilt. On the contrary, I say to myself, well, let´s try to do better this time. I cultivate compassion and hope.
The more I learn how to live, the more I understand how wrong I was but also, how right I can be. The more I learn what life is about, the more I understand how I distorted the meaning of things but also what is truly important. The key is choosing where I am going to focus on.
I don´t complain, I don´t cry over spilt milk (even when sometimes I am tempted to do it). I choose to trust my life and believe that the best is yet to come because for every disregarded moment, every neglected experience, every lost opportunity, I know there is a new one that will come to meet me.
Because for every rejected miracle, I know there is a new one just around the corner.
I only have to do better every single day...
|easing off |
We left go and we learn to love the process.
Layer after layer we decode old wounds
and realize that is important not only analyzing and understanding situations
but accepting the emotions linked to them.
We practice detachment and understand that is good for us.
This makes us be more connected to the nature of life:
things come and go
and we cannot stop this cycle through affection.
We break away from conditionings
We choose to be here.
We stay in this moment... oh, what a gift!
and live consciously,
observing , appreciating , being aware of everyday miracles.
We dwell in the now
We practice and practice and practice
till all this becomes easy,
But one day we wake up and we feel we miss the old days.
We don´t know why ,
we think we should not
and we ask what is happening.
We suffer... again
Sometimes, this happens to me.
I used to feel guilty,
and thought that ego was playing dirty tricks on me,
I felt mortified.
But now I have understood this sort of grief.
It brings the good memories back together,
makes me see the nice moments among the old mess
and remember laughs and love and sweetness.
It makes me see the unappreciated beauty of all what I have lived,
of all what I have lost
makes me keep forgiving and loving.
Makes me human