28.7.14

DAY 540

the art of being here

While I was seeing that boy dancing with the water like if nobody could see him, so focused on his own fun, unaware of the world around him, I discovered myself admiring his ability to surrender to the immediacy of his own wishes, to repond to life spontaneously.

 After a short reflection I realized that I am not naive enough to be so happily carefree: wounds, experiences, disappointments, prejudices and fears make it impossible. But I also realized that I wouldn´t like to exchange his life for mine, I wouldn´t like to live it all over again to become an adult, especially when now I can be back to joy and the sense of full belonging to the moment I am living while keeping what I have learned. Especially when right now I feel that I have started to live consciously, when I am finally figuring out what life is about.

  No, I wouldn´t like to be a child again, especially when now I can have that carelessness attitude without the sense of strangeness. Especially when now I can live without needing to reach certain goals or places, when now I can live like if I were dancing, enjoying every step, lost in the pleasure of the movement.

I have come finally to the conclusion that this journey itself is the point, that I don´t have to fulfill anything determined in advance, just to go gracefully with the immediate moment and its gifts... so why should I want to leave this sweet stage of my existence where I have the best of being a child and the best of having lived half a life? Why, if now I can bow down to my destiny with my mind well-balanced and my heart open?...


When the boy was about to complete his fourth lap to the fountain, I got up, and I followed my path and I could feel that my soul was making a little dance, celebrating the acknowledgement of this simple truth.

25.7.14

DAY 539

when the Universe is in charge

I would have never imagined the nature of the journey that have brought meto the fiftieth year of my life. 


While finishing my studies at university I considered myself an intellectual who was very brainy but also a bit peculiar. I didn´t want to have a regular life with middle-class touches. I knew I would develop a successful professional career and would have a rich and interesting life. So I started to make decisions according to these preconceived ideas about life and they became my reality.


When I was 21, I was living by myself and met the person that later on would be my husband. I started to work as a teacher at university at age 24 and defended my PHD Thesis when I was 31. I already owned a house, still lived alone and I was about to start a collaboration with an international organization. That was the life I had dreamed of: independence, a partner that was ready to accept it, classes, travels, time to read and write... but I was not happy. Not at all. I had a good life but it was not as perfect as I wanted it to be. In fact, I found it riddled with errors.

No one knew it, not even me, but my internal unease caused by my past (that hadn´t finished yet and was creating new wounds on top of the old ones) and all the unresolved issues related to it were tormenting me and leading me to such a level of self-demand that I was indeed, falling apart.

And then, one day, someway, something moved. A tiny clue showed me the path. And a new light promoted a new attitude that gave way to new perspectives and viewpoints. They created a new mood and strategies which set new goals and actions. And a new sense of being good enough emerged.

Suddenly, all the things that seemed imperfect previously: my partner, my house, my work and of course myself… my whole life, you see, seemed not that bad.

I realized that all the events had a reason to be. All the lessons had to be learnt. All the pain had to be felt . All the challenges had to be faced up. All the uncertainty had to be assumed. I understood that I had to get it wrong to get it right because somehow, I needed to feel through the eyes (and heart) of my eternal essence in order to access my soul´s inner voice.

There was not a drama after all. I realized that there was only an ongoing process of learning, a progressive act of surrendering. Through it I have ended up finding not only my true self and a meaningful life, but new spaces where that voice matters.


I never expected to be so happy, so free, so “easy” at this moment of my life.

I never expected to be sailing the seas of this existence of mine so peacefully and in such a good company.

I never expected to be here right now. Not even in my craziest dreams.

But here I am. And for this I am grateful.




This post was published past Friday on Vision and Verb Blog. This will be my last post there because the site is about to close. Indeed there will not be new post since today even when it will remain open one month more.


I have no words to express what that experience has meant to me. I found the blog almost by chance and soon I knew I wanted to be a contributor. I didn´t think they will accept me, but I tried anyway. After a post as a guest, I started to be a regular contributor. The time shared there with other contributors and readers is priceless. 

I started to write there feeling unsure about myself, about the meaning of my own journey or about what I could expect of the changes I was making and of course, of my English.  While I say goodbye, I  feel self-confident and hopeful. Coincidence? I don´t think so.  They all have given me a sense of place, a sense of belonging and now I know for certain that what I have to say really matters.

And what is even more important: I arrived there alone, and I am leaving along  with all the amazing women that I met there who now I have the honor to call friends.

Many of them are going to publish somewhere else their posts on V&V in order to allow them to be read. But I am not going to do that. I´ll save them for personal use, but I am not going to keep them (or their comments on them) "alive". I ´ll let them go as a way to revert all the kindness, support and love I have received to the Universe.


19.7.14

DAY 538

"Courage is a love affair with the unknown" 

Osho



I am developing a challenge with some friends. Two photos per week throughout the whole summer. I am sharing them via a private group as the challenge is not only about photography, but also about self-knowledge.  


However, today  I want to share here the the photo I took for the this week subjects: grandparents.

Since I first read Osho´s quote,  I knew that I had to match it up with that photo. There is something in the posture of the gentleman, something in the process of getting old itself and keep on living a meaningful life regardless of our experiences,  that fits perfectly with those words...


Happy Weekend dear friends

Much Love

Z.

14.7.14

DAY 537

sweet and slow

When I started this personal -and spiritual- journey, I was secretly aspiring to excellence. I wanted to achieve goals and conquer calm, serenity and balance without delay (of course!). I judged myself harshly when I thought I was not being good enough. My relapses, or so I called them, made me feel angry and I couldn´t stand those persons that after only a little work started to consider themselves illuminated. I detested shoddy practices and triviality and vanity. I felt that I was doing a good work but nobody seemed to appreciate it… the story of my life!

Probably I was making something good (maybe my mantras and my prayers and my meditations which usually took me off of that vicious circle) because, little by little, I started to understand that I was acting regarding my inner work exactly the same way that I had always acted regarding the rest of my life.

When that became clear, I totally changed the way I was approaching it. It started to be something very relaxed. Something that I was doing because of myself, and not in order to look for others approval. Something that shouldn´t be planned or justified or evaluated… that could change and even be spontaneous and unpredictable.

I started to appreciate my own process and the guidance that was appearing in my life, coming in all forms. I kept on being rigid and a great controller in many aspects and spaces but when I was developing my inner work I created room for intuition and creativity, I permitted myself to go with the flow and to explore without being afraid of failing and –last but not least- to be much more benevolent to myself.

This way my perfectionism, my pride, my need to be always right that before gave me no respite, started to soften. I learnt how to bow down to my story, to my pain, to my destiny, to my weaknesses and my greatness and I started to move forward.

I accepted what came to meet me. I accepted help and realized that other way to approach life was emerging. A way that called for kindness and consciousness and mindfulness… that was not fast, hurtful or arrogant; A way that was (still is) sweet and slow.

Now my days are more peaceful than ever. My mood is more joyful. And what started being just a personal practice has ended being a way of living. Through the change of my attitude, my whole existence has changed.

Now I trust my life and know that wherever it leads me, it´s the place where I supposed to be.

10.7.14

DAY 536

Trying to be myself even despite myself

And them everything seems to be here again. There i always a triggering factor of course, and the memories come to life again. How things evolved that way, you ask to yourself. What if this or that would have never happened, you wonder. Why me? the never-ending question.

And you think and think and think trying to find a convincing explanation. But you already know all the possible theories, all the causes and circumstances and this time they don´t help. You revisit the tale of your self- construction and you don´t find a reason why these questions keep harassing you. Maybe I am skipping something, you think to yourself.

And while checking your emotional mood you find that there is not perplexity or incredulity. There is not anger, either, not anymore. There is not pain or sorrow. There is just a big, big, hole and a tremendous grief, a huge despair, seem to be at skin level and pervading everyday life.

And it becomes dull and plain and all the charm flies away. And this only increases the grief and the despair and the (old yet new) vicious circle starts. Again and again and all over again.

But one day you start to consider a crazy hypothesis: Maybe there is not a new explanation to find. Maybe there are not more reasons why things occurred. Maybe you don´t have to investigate more. Maybe that is all. And the hole is here to stay. And the grief and despair are not meant to make you feel you´re falling apart, maybe they are the healthy response to the past. Maybe you don´t have to feel vibrant every single day. Maybe acceptance means as well to live with this and don´t judge the universe or your own process. Maybe you can permit yourself to mourn from time to time. Maybe this is your way to close stages. Maybe this is a new turning point. Maybe you should remove tags. Maybe all is well.

So many options and so little energy to value them all!!. But something in your energy field changes and your soul emits a tiny eureka!

And then you decide to give them a try. And the spin of your mind stops. And charm is back. And joy flaps its wings inside you.

And hope smiles.

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