|"Courage is a love affair with the unknown" |
I am developing a challenge with some friends. Two photos per week throughout the whole summer. I am sharing them via a private group as the challenge is not only about photography, but also about self-knowledge.
However, today I want to share here the the photo I took for the this week subjects: grandparents.
Since I first read Osho´s quote, I knew that I had to match it up with that photo. There is something in the posture of the gentleman, something in the process of getting old itself and keep on living a meaningful life regardless of our experiences, that fits perfectly with those words...
Happy Weekend dear friends
|sweet and slow|
When I started this personal -and spiritual- journey, I was secretly aspiring to excellence. I wanted to achieve goals and conquer calm, serenity and balance without delay (of course!). I judged myself harshly when I thought I was not being good enough. My relapses, or so I called them, made me feel angry and I couldn´t stand those persons that after only a little work started to consider themselves illuminated. I detested shoddy practices and triviality and vanity. I felt that I was doing a good work but nobody seemed to appreciate it… the story of my life!
Probably I was making something good (maybe my mantras and my prayers and my meditations which usually took me off of that vicious circle) because, little by little, I started to understand that I was acting regarding my inner work exactly the same way that I had always acted regarding the rest of my life.
When that became clear, I totally changed the way I was approaching it. It started to be something very relaxed. Something that I was doing because of myself, and not in order to look for others approval. Something that shouldn´t be planned or justified or evaluated… that could change and even be spontaneous and unpredictable.
I started to appreciate my own process and the guidance that was appearing in my life, coming in all forms. I kept on being rigid and a great controller in many aspects and spaces but when I was developing my inner work I created room for intuition and creativity, I permitted myself to go with the flow and to explore without being afraid of failing and –last but not least- to be much more benevolent to myself.
This way my perfectionism, my pride, my need to be always right that before gave me no respite, started to soften. I learnt how to bow down to my story, to my pain, to my destiny, to my weaknesses and my greatness and I started to move forward.
I accepted what came to meet me. I accepted help and realized that other way to approach life was emerging. A way that called for kindness and consciousness and mindfulness… that was not fast, hurtful or arrogant; A way that was (still is) sweet and slow.
Now my days are more peaceful than ever. My mood is more joyful. And what started being just a personal practice has ended being a way of living. Through the change of my attitude, my whole existence has changed.
Now I trust my life and know that wherever it leads me, it´s the place where I supposed to be.
Trying to be myself even despite myself
And them everything seems to be here again. There i always a triggering factor of course, and the memories come to life again. How things evolved that way, you ask to yourself. What if this or that would have never happened, you wonder. Why me? the never-ending question.
And you think and think and think trying to find a convincing explanation. But you already know all the possible theories, all the causes and circumstances and this time they don´t help. You revisit the tale of your self- construction and you don´t find a reason why these questions keep harassing you. Maybe I am skipping something, you think to yourself.
And while checking your emotional mood you find that there is not perplexity or incredulity. There is not anger, either, not anymore. There is not pain or sorrow. There is just a big, big, hole and a tremendous grief, a huge despair, seem to be at skin level and pervading everyday life.
And it becomes dull and plain and all the charm flies away. And this only increases the grief and the despair and the (old yet new) vicious circle starts. Again and again and all over again.
But one day you start to consider a crazy hypothesis: Maybe there is not a new explanation to find. Maybe there are not more reasons why things occurred. Maybe you don´t have to investigate more. Maybe that is all. And the hole is here to stay. And the grief and despair are not meant to make you feel you´re falling apart, maybe they are the healthy response to the past. Maybe you don´t have to feel vibrant every single day. Maybe acceptance means as well to live with this and don´t judge the universe or your own process. Maybe you can permit yourself to mourn from time to time. Maybe this is your way to close stages. Maybe this is a new turning point. Maybe you should remove tags. Maybe all is well.
So many options and so little energy to value them all!!. But something in your energy field changes and your soul emits a tiny eureka!
And then you decide to give them a try. And the spin of your mind stops. And charm is back. And joy flaps its wings inside you.
And hope smiles.
|the secret sound|
"If you want the truth, I’ll tell you the truth: Listen to the secret sound, the real sound, which is inside you."
After reading this quote (that resonated deeply with me) I realized that in fact, this is becoming the only routine of my personal practice: I listen and listen and when I think I have nothing else to listen, I listen again.
I listen with my ears but also with my whole being because that secret sound inside me shows up in many different ways. I listen and pay attention to what I am noticing and try to name my feelings, my unease, the things that lead me to serenity. I listen through the language of my body, through its sickness; through my photos and the words I send to the world; through my changing mood, my anger, my joy and my silences.
And step by step I get in touch with that secret sound, the secret voice of my soul, that connects me to a wisdom that is bigger than me, I unravel its language and figure out what it´s trying to tell me.
From time to time, I get lost in this translation: the emotional noise is loud and I am not able to set connections. When this happens I try to be back to basics. I listen how I am talking to others (and to myself) and behind the tone of my voice, its tessitura, the words I am using, after a few moments, I recognize the soft whisper of that secret sound, the delicate guidance of my soul...
I have come to understand that it uses even the most banal talk to reach me and this has been maybe the most amazing find I have made: everything is a channel that the highest consciousness uses to talk to me about me and ABOUT the meaning of my -our- stay here
|making a happy come-back|
After a whole month of checking my students´ papers, dealing with tons of administrative tasks and after publishing their grades, I am slowly trying to be back to a more exhaustive way to develop my inner work.
I haven´t been totally far away from my daily practice and that´s the reason right now I feel tired but not as exhausted as previous academic courses, although I haven´t had time to do most of the things I usually do. In fact, I have been developing a simpler version of it that hasn´t included sharing my thoughts here, but it has been enough to keep the balance.
But now that I am a bit more relaxed, my brain, my heart and my soul are claiming the peace that this inner work provides me.
I thought I would take it easy because I felt that I needed to rest. This week my creativity has seemed to be asleep and I´ve been feeling totally drained, but once I started to check my latest photos in order to write this post I realized that I am fully ready to restart.
That´s great because means that I have internalized the abilities and routines to do such thing. So here I am. It hasn´t been easy to keep this blog updated along this first semester of the year, but summer will give me the chance to refresh it and to start new projects.
Hope all is well with all you. Thanks for your patience and as always, thanks for reading.