Going through this life is not that easy sometimes. We can change and learn but certain things will continue to happen, things that often hit us in our frailest side. That´s the reason why is important to be ready to accept our own fragility and act consequently.
Along the years I have realized (and internalized) that most of my inner work is aimed at healing early wounds, but till recently I have not acknowldeged that the soft tissue that I am creating by fixing those wounds is not strong enough to bear some kind of impacts.
It has taken me time to admit it. I used to think that I was fixing things in order to become invulnerable, but I have come to understand that I am just learning to deal with my own vulnerability (I am indeed, embracing it) and to improve my resilience, I am not chasing perfection.
I have had to reconcile with the truth of my story before reaching that kind of acceptance. I have had to stop trying to compensate my past, stop trying to be immune, unaffected by the act of living. In short, I have had to see myself as I really am: injured, strong, prone to struggle, brave but also sensitive to all the things that can drain my energy, to any form of abuse, still delicate, still liable to suffer danger.
After reaching this stage, I realized that I can love myself. Now I know that I have not to feel ashamed by that, I have not to feel guilty, I have not to feel a looser. I have fought against fear and anger and pain and the lack of connection and I have won. So I have to be confident and proud, but also (and this makes a whole difference) gentle and tender with the person I really am.
I am learning to remember what can increase my power and resistance and what can steal them; what can increase my joy and self-esteem and what can destroy them; what can make me feel more competent and what can make me feel inept, and by accepting this (even when it may sound paradoxical) I am honoring my vulnerable side instead of considering it a weakness, of considering myself broken.
This new approach (that is all about daring to be open, visible, real) is making me feel even healthier and it´s allowing me to transform myself in a way that I thought was not possible.
Of course, I am experiencing a sense of lose (I´ve been so attached to my ideas about strength and success, of being completely immaculate and undaunted!!), but also, I am setting free a great amount of blocking energy while permitting those preconceived ideas to fall down.
Maybe they were appealing long ago, but now I need to expose myself to the danger of being authentic. And it feels good.
"Look again at that dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every 'superstar,' every 'supreme leader,' every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there - on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam."
After a few weeks feeling a bit sad (read previous post) I am recovering not calm, because I´ve been serene all that time long, but the sense of connection and belonging and the genuine amazement provided by being walking my path, developing this journey of mine.
I think autumn (my favorite season) and the first rains have something to do with this, but also a sort of awaken that I have experienced the last week. Step by step I am returning to my own self.
Happy Week and Much Love
I´ve been dealing with some major issues related to anger lately. Well, to be honest, I am always dealing with that kind of issues some way or another, even without noticing, so it would be more accurate to say that my anger has been out of control lately.
I know the reason why this happens. It is my main response to my own vulnerability, the first emotion that emerges when I have to face everyday problems (and even other emotions caused by them), so it´s hardly surprising that when those problems increase my ability to keep it under control seems to decrease.
Anger is an instinctive response to a stimulus that later on can be elaborated (unconsciously) as aggressivity, frustration, coolness, resentment or even apathy. This creates many different behaviors that sometimes cannot even been related to anger (from outside) but are caused by it. We are prone to think that anger would be expressed in a violent way but this is not always the case. I can also appear as complaints, distance, victimism or passiveness.
When we manage well this emotion it can be considered a call to action and we can promote behaviors related to change, justice, equity and balance. In short, anger (and every and each emotion we can feel) warns us when something is not working.
I have come to understand why anger is my main emotion. It has to do with my own story, my character and my mind frames and also with feeling it quicklier than other emotions. As a result, I have learnt a few things:
- My anger comes from an old source, and old wound that is not easy to heal but the more I am aware of it, the more I can contribute to do it.
- Feeling anger for such a long time has distorted my emotional response and the way I see life but the more I am aware of it, the more I can apply a safety factor -so to speak- in order to correct this.
- Anger is not good, nor bad. It is just an emotion. It is what I do with my anger what can be dangerous or insane. The more I am aware of it, the more I can use anger as a wake up call. It is what is causing it and what I do afterwards what counts.
- When something very stressful appears in my life, I am prone to forget what I have stated above. When pain hits me, when I feel not safe, when lose or sorrow are chasing me, I often forget all what I have learnt about this topic. I stop being prudent and -little by little- I immerse myself in anger as a way to bear what I am experiencing. The more I am aware of this, the more I can overcome this situation.
- When awareness is not enough and I find myself letting my thoughts be ruled by anger, I feel guilty. This -obviously- does not help at all. The more I am aware of it, the more I can forgive myself and start anew again.
Right now I am going through some circumstances that are testing me. I have talk here about the complicated situation at university, but I have not said that three of my work mates, that are also very close girl friends, are struggling against cancer at this moment. It all has happened along the last two years and I can hardly explain what going to work -knowing that they are not there anymore- has meant to me this September.
I´ve have shared more than twenty years of my working and personal life with them and the emptiness I feel is indescribable. It´s like a hole and it has been filled with anger as I was trying to accept the situation and not feeling so sad and scared.
I am not angry because they are ill. I am angry because I am stressed and anxious and disconsolate and I find no way to express it beautifully. Because this is the only way I have to say to myself how sorrowful and downhearted I am. Maybe, because I prefer to feel angry than heartbroken (hope this makes sense).
So at this moment I am precisely at the last points of my previous list. I am trying to forgive myself because I have let the anger be the way I connect with my feelings (even when after all this is good); to forgive myself for not been able to manage it adequately after a long period of balance.
I am trying to be benevolent with myself too, and step by step a fragile sense of calm is returning while I shed my tears, while I allow myself to feel deeply afflicted, to acknowledge that I´ve been haunted with fear.
While I opt for thankfulness and surrendering once more...
|an awkward revelation|
I don´t mind to admit that often my heart breaks into pieces.
No matter what my mind rationally argues or what I said to myself about the essence of life; what advices I can receive or look for; how deeply I go into my practice; how neatly I try to stay present, meditate or re-focus myself on what is important.
No matter if I am diligent or lazy when the time to accept my emotions comes, if I embrace or neglect them.
All those thing start to be important later on, when I start to deal with causes and consequences but none of them prevent my heart from falling apart when I have to face up the nature of this existence.
Maybe it would be cooler or more alluring try to pretend that I am beyond all the mundane wishes and yearnings or the perplexity caused by what indeed is natural, but this wouldn´t be true to my real self.
When pain, violence, injustice, abandonment, negligence, abuse, solitude, fragility hit me, right in that same moment, I feel how new fissures appear in my heart. They are caused by sorrow, caused by anger.
I have learnt to fix them. To gather the scraps and keep them together when the rupture is too serious. I have learnt to live with this cracked, fragmented, heart and come to understand that all this comes from empathy and compassion (that often go unnoticed due to the fact that I am an introvert).
It is not easy to live with a brittle heart. It can create negativity and disappointment or a false sense of detachment and a lack of concern. Consequently, it is important to consciously cultivate resilience and hope and joy and of course, courage in order to act according to what the heart is feeling. It is crucial also, try not to toughen it (even when we can be tempted to do it) because healing cannot be originated through indifference.
As far as I am concerned that kind of balance is essential because when things fail to move us, grief gains ground, insanity starts to rule and all things good can be corrupted.
|holding onto this place|
Lately, I´ve been trying to reinforce my beliefs so I have written a lot about being present because it´s something that I need very much right now. Thanks to this, I am preserving my good sense and my positive mood in this moment of my life. This has made me confirm once again the great importance of a daily practice which allows me to approach these endless changes and mutations.
I think it will never finish, just because life never cease to challenge me (us) but it is evolving. When I started I already was clear about the importance of that practice but I was prone to struggle against what comes to meet me. I was prone to rejection and I usually thought that I could control my life. Indeed, my inner work was initially an attempt to do it although I didn´t know back then.
Now, I have realized that what I try to develop in my life -and to communicate here- is all about surrender. Not about asking, but about accepting. Not about planning, but about believing that things will occur if we trust our path and our inner voice. Not about demanding more or better things, but about being able to discover the unexpected beauty that lies in what already exists. Not about creating a future, but about enjoying the present.
Along these years I have understood that the more I live (and love, when I can) what it is, the more my life looks like as I dreamed of. The more I practice mindfulness, the more I find reasons to live this concrete life. The more I bow down to my destiny, the more I discover that this is the life I was expecting, the life I was meant to live.
However, this is not always easy. If I neglect my practice some way or another, sooner or later I find myself lost in rambling thoughts and attitudes which don´t lead me to any safe place, in particular when something that calls for special efforts appears.
This usually made me feel angry (yes, I know...). I couldn´t believe that after all the hard work, I still could wobble, felt unsteady, but this was exactly what happened. This anger made me be a bit rebellious and develop some resistance, but I am learning to overcome all this. When I need an extra-doses of consciousness I look for it and let my pride and arrogance aside.
Consequently, I often feel that I am repeating myself by the recitation of the same truths once and again but I do it anyway. I have come to the conclusion that repetition, routine and discipline are intrinsic part of my (any) process and the way I am improving little by little.
Today, I come here to claim again one of those old things, because while some life circumstances are testing me (I´ll write about this on coming posts) I need to remind myself that the more I put down roots here -the more I align myself with light and the more I rely on my own inner power- the more I bloom.