26.8.14

DAY 544

reentry

I´ve been (almost) unplugged along ten days. I wanted to rearrange things at home now that I am on holidays but apart from that, I felt I had to be off line for a while. I also left my camera aside.

My work involves much intellectual effort and hobbies, you know, can be highly rewarding but also a bit demanding, so it has been refreshing to work hard (physically speaking) and taking time to do another kind of things without being under pressure, without deadlines or feeling that I have to socialize, create or communicate. I haven´t even used the phone too much.

My husband is still working outside the country. His comeback has been delayed several times which is very sad because now I have plenty free time and although I have decided not to dramatize the situation too much, it has made much more evident my solitude.

In fact, I have been totally alone and at my own pace. I´ve been painting, tidying, decorating but I have also rested a lot. I have read a few books, been watching old episodes of my favorite serials and eating simple meals without being in a hurry, without schedules... what a great privilege and what an amazing pleasure!

This has made me realize -once again- the crazy exigencies of my job, how the current university policy is forcing me to work in conditions that are becoming worse every passing year and how this is affecting me; it has 
also made me think about the good and not so good impact that being on line has on my life. But I´ll write about this in next posts... 

Hope you´re having a wonderful month.

Much Love

Z.

10.8.14

DAY 543

by the edge of this moment

I have found a place where my soul rests.

I stay there with my endless load of concerns,
with all my shoulds
and my lists
and my wishes
and my projects,
with my limited vision and my laments.

I stay there with my past
and all the still pending issues,
with my resentment
and my frustration
and my lack of understanding
and my grief
and my gratitude.

I stay there with my future
and my anxiety,
with my dreams
and my illusions,
with my fears
and my hopes.

I stay there thinking of all those things,
thinking also that they are heavy burdens on me,
yearning for a sort of explanation
or a revelation
or a relief
or maybe a liberation
and this place never disappoints me.

It can take its time
but I persist.

I stand still in the here, in the now,
in this place where I am one with myself,
awaiting patiently, trusting
and suddenly something is created by the universe.

An everyday miracle,
an unexpected sign...


A tiny turtle which is having a nap subtly illuminated
and seems to know that life is beautiful
even when living can be oddly strange.


7.8.14

DAY 542

determined to see for myself

Lately I have found myself thinking about the elderly quite often. Not only because I am facing the ageing of my own mother, which is a very challenging situation (yet somehow rewarding as it gives a new dimension to our relationship),  but also, because I can see how the number of persons obsessed by youth is increasing every passing day.

When I read articles or look at advertisements or images of any kind, I feel that our society is concerned by ageing (me too) and it´s struggling against it not always in a very positive way.

This battle occurs in many fields and the persons of my age or so are who are fighting harder -I think- to avoid health, emotional,  social or aesthetical issues related to ageing. I know that it is not easy to deal with certain situations related to it and I truly believe that we have to look for the best quality of life... but we have to be clear that this won´t prevent us from getting older.

On the other hand, it doesn´t have to mean feeling less useful, radiant or fulfilled. On the contrary, it can mean being all those things but in a different way. Or maybe, getting older really means that we won´t be those or other things anymore, so what?. We still will be persons, human beings, here, trying to do our best, learning, living, feeling...

I know that any society is led by certain ideals and obviously they try to domesticate our nature. That´s why our social, aesthetical, emotional or health aspirations can be unnatural, this is the rationale of civilization, but maybe we should pay attention when they start to be unreal according to current circumstances and possibilities.

I cannot help feeling that some of these efforts would be much more productive if they were focussed on changing our mindset and social prejudices or preconceived ideas about this subject that is culturally constructed. In particular, those who are so biased and corrupted that make us lose direction and forget what is important. In particular, those which impact deeply on the existence of many persons by making them feel a mistake, by making them be invisible before our eyes.

When I saw those two ladies, I didn´t see decline or lack of charm... but what is most important: amidst the busy morning in the park, I saw them.... that´s why this is my Photo-Heart Connection for July

31.7.14

DAY 541

leap of faith

And suddenly my heart did what I thought was not possible.

I am not sure how or why this exactly happened,
how or why it overcame the gap between what I wanted and what I was able to do,
between what my soul was whispering and what my mind was ordering,
between prejudices and what I knew to be true,
between disillusion and hope.

But it did it. It opened its wings and took the sky without prior notice.

It left its place, the little room of my chest without hesitation,
it chose to fly and opted for believing,
for realizing an old yearn which was telling it that there was something bigger, better.

And by doing that, it broke my limited mind frames,
my shields and my bonds,
my links to what I was giving for granted.

Only to find out that my skepticism was indeed, lack of love,
lack of love disguised as arrogance and need of being perfect.

My skepticism was indeed fear,
fear of trusting my life, myself,
fear of showing my vulnerability.

My scepticism was indeed resistance, even when every single cell of my body was longing for surrendering.

I was not brave enough, you know, but my heart was.

How or why it managed to raise itself and shake my world, I don´t know. But it did it.

And by doing that, it stirred up a new passion for life,
it created a new sense of self
and changed completely the way I deal with my time here.

At this moment I am living in this place named now just because my little, tireless, heart lifted the veil which was preventing me of seeing and loving what is.

Could I be more lucky?



28.7.14

DAY 540

the art of being here

While I was seeing that boy dancing with the water like if nobody could see him, so focused on his own fun, unaware of the world around him, I discovered myself admiring his ability to surrender to the immediacy of his own wishes, to repond to life spontaneously.

 After a short reflection I realized that I am not naive enough to be so happily carefree: wounds, experiences, disappointments, prejudices and fears make it impossible. But I also realized that I wouldn´t like to exchange his life for mine, I wouldn´t like to live it all over again to become an adult, especially when now I can be back to joy and the sense of full belonging to the moment I am living while keeping what I have learned. Especially when right now I feel that I have started to live consciously, when I am finally figuring out what life is about.

  No, I wouldn´t like to be a child again, especially when now I can have that carelessness attitude without the sense of strangeness. Especially when now I can live without needing to reach certain goals or places, when now I can live like if I were dancing, enjoying every step, lost in the pleasure of the movement.

I have come finally to the conclusion that this journey itself is the point, that I don´t have to fulfill anything determined in advance, just to go gracefully with the immediate moment and its gifts... so why should I want to leave this sweet stage of my existence where I have the best of being a child and the best of having lived half a life? Why, if now I can bow down to my destiny with my mind well-balanced and my heart open?...


When the boy was about to complete his fourth lap to the fountain, I got up, and I followed my path and I could feel that my soul was making a little dance, celebrating the acknowledgement of this simple truth.

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