6.2.16

DAY 601

soar

Usually when a year starts a word comes to meet me. When I first realize that it is by my side, I often don’t understand why. I even try to avoid it, thinking of words that probably would be much more adequate. I simply want to stay away from it, because deep inside I know that it will generate profound transformations in my life and I fear the consequences.

This resistance only makes the word more persistent. In fact, the more I resist, the more it persists. And then, one day, suddenly, I feel that I can embrace it. My determination has been eroded and I listen its calling. When this moment arrives I know that my word is going to introduce me to challenges and opportunities and I am ready to follow it regardless of my initial reluctance.

I truly believe that the word comes to meet me because there are parts of my true self that still must be unveiled, unraveled. Parts that have been hidden or forgotten, parts that have been masked although they are essential, parts that are gateways to more growing, more consciousness and more joy. Parts that are needed in order to keep evolving and to manifest my true purpose here. Parts -in short- that will help me to define better my vision, to create ways to make it real. And even so, every single year I repeat the same crazy dance, the same ritual before allowing it to come in my life.

This year my word is "
soar". When I first start to hear it, I thought that I didn’t deserve it, that I was not good enough to make it mine. But later on I understood that maybe this was the reason why it had arrived in my life. And so it was. I have so much to offer inside me, so much to say and to share, that I am going to collapse if I don’t let go my repressing attitude and find the way to do it.

This first month I’ve been working on this word, owning it through my inner work,  letting its energy change things. I feel that indeed I am starting to soar, leaving behind old conditionings about my own worth, about success and failure, about why I do things. And I have come to the conclusion that I don’t need permission to be myself, to do whatever I want.

I am re-claiming the artist, the spiritual teacher and the healer inside me. I am making them more visible, giving them a protagonist role in my life, allowing them to lead my journey this year without restrictions or shame. I still have some doubts, but when they appear, a tiny voice whispers: you are destined to fly… no matter if you feel that your wings are broken. You will soar higher and higher.

And I believe it.

18.1.16

DAY 600

farewell, 2015

I've been planning to write a post about 2015 for some time now. After pondering this and that, I decided to keep it simple as I am determined to use my time more wisely, and to be less conditioned by my ego's needs to be perfect. So here I am, a bit late, mainly because I need to close what I would define as a challenging (and life-changing) year. At this point, many of you know well some of the experiences that I have had to live, so I am not going to speak of them again. I am going to focus on how my life has been transformed by them.

I have had to cry much during 2015. I have done it silently, privately, inconsolably and openly. I started the year determined to be more authentic, so I didn't ignore or conceal my sorrow, my sadness. On the contrary, I lived with it -went through it-, not only after the passing of my friends (or my dear cat), but also along their process of leaving this existence. I was there and I talked about it, I allowed myself to feel the pain, the fear and even so, I offered them my unconditional presence.

By doing that I experienced a sort of catharsis. I felt how my shell (the old carapace that was covering my heart) started to –finally- crack. It was like an end of an era. After all the inner work, I was feeling free!.

I still am not sure why this happened. Maybe it was the shock linked to every loss or the sense that the time was limited; maybe it was the acknowledgement regarding the triviality of many of my efforts versus the greatness of life and death... maybe it was my moment.

Maybe, through the hollows of the broken fabric of my life I accidentally glimpsed how future could be. I don't know, but I had an insight into the reality of my existence and the reason for being here.


And I understood that I would never be the same. I wouldn't pretend not to be myself anymore or disown my gifts ever again. I understood that I would keep listening my inner voice but without any shame.

I realized that vulnerability was leading me to a turning point. I realized that I had to pay tribute to light by awakening and by creating enlightenment regardless of my doubts. That there was a force inside me that was claiming to be out, to bloom, and I had to allow it to do it.

I understood that I won't disguise my essence from now on.

Today I know that I have to soar -leave my old place- and walk over in order to greet the truth of who I am. And that’s what I am doing.


14.12.15

DAY 599

new (old) me

Sorry for the long absence. After all the things I had to deal with along the first semester of the year and afterwards, many things are moving in my life and I haven’t been sure about how to share that here. I don’t know where to start. I am enjoying my classes again very much. I have no time literally for doing all the creative things that come to my mind. Not only regarding photography, but also regarding many other areas. Indeed I have started a few new projects and have connected with many interesting persons. My inner work is being relevant again and I have reached a new stage linked to my self-knowledge.

Little or nothing has really changed in my life, or at university, or at home… my schedule keeps being hectic (in particular in November) and everydayness evolves as expected, with its ups and downs: my mom turned 91 years old a couple of weeks ago (lucky me!), she is starting to be a bit forgetful and so on... but I feel completely… alive. I cannot find a better word. This big amount of powerful energy has taken me by surprise and has left me thrilled and a bit hyperactive. I’ve been exploring much out of my comfort zone, and now the time to systematize is about to arrive. Or so I think.

I feel that I am making room for new experiences and perspectives, that I am closing a cycle, that many of my early (and recent) lessons have led me to this point of my life. When I turned 50 last December, I really felt that the best was yet to come, soon I had to go through many sad circumstances, but I never lost the faith. Now, I know that I was not wrong.

This year with its pain and all, has been amazingly interesting, enlightening and rewarding. Unconditional love has been one of its key notes. A love which is bigger than life, bigger than death. And this has transformed me deeply. It has awakened in me the need to stay fully aware. To inspire and be inspired. To be in awe of my own beauty. To be immersed in the mysteries of this existence. To dwell only in joy.

This blog was created to document my healing process. I am happy to inform that today I am much closer to my own true self than ever before. My journey will continue. And this blog will be my journal, but I am sure that its contents will change as much as challenges are changing and demanding a more expansive horizons. I can't wait to fly.


5.11.15

DAY 598

autumn's finds

November must be one of my favorite months. There is something in the air, in the light, in the weather that always changes my mood. Even this year, even only after five days. It is already working its magic.

I have gone through many stages along my process of mourning. Indeed I have gone through all the stages of loss and grief many times, and I have started the whole process all over again at least three times, or even more. It was my response to the consecutive death of a dear friend, my sweet cat and another best friend in the space of six months. It was also my response to my own impotency.

It may seem a cliché after all the texts and information existing about them, but I have found myself coming and going from one stage to another during all this year, although coping with my pain has been a deeply personal experience. I am still far from a total acceptance. I still experience anger and sadness, but I have now many moments of calm and gratitude. As I have not experienced the stages in the order that they are usually listed (denial, anger, bargaining , depression and acceptance), I have always had them, but now  -since mid October or so- they are much more consistent.

Nevertheless, one of the things I have been longing for -even in the best days- has been the sense of joy and illusion that was part of my nature. Even being an analytical introvert, even when I have gone through many difficult times along my life, I have had always an active, venturesome and proactive attitude. Regardless of sadness or pain, I always found a reason for living: a new project, a new dream, a new challenge… but not this time. This time, I have felt that this little spark inside me was fading. I have felt that life could be futile... that maybe my spirit was giving up.

But November's energy is blowing on that little flame and I am starting to feel its warmth inside my chest again. And with it, a new life is emerging. A new being is appearing. A new strength is taking form. A new future is coming into focus.

All this is still a bit blurred, fragile. I still have bad days. I still have many bad days, indeed. But the beat is unmistakable. And with the beat a call comes. It is a call for new things. It is a call for boldness. I have always wanted to break the boundaries that keep me safe inside an academic context. I have always wanted to share my learnings, but doubts have undermined my confidence. However, –after all this year- I have come to the conclusion that I have nothing to lose. I used to think in terms of “what if”. But now I am thinking in terms of “so what”.


Shall I dare to do what my heart desires?. I hope so . The vertigo that I experienced when I faced the possible lack of sense is becoming a new motivation (not sure how). And I know I have a few kind helpers up there... in the heaven... among the stars. 


18.10.15

DAY 597

in {and out} Week 31: Soft drink

The first time I saw the water with pieces of fruit or vegetable, I found it appealing and I thought it was a clever idea to enjoy water (something that I cannot easily do). So I decided to give it a try, but when I drink my first glass I thought: salad!. It was not tasty and fresh as I expected and I didn't like it. Every single person all over the blogosphere seemed to be enjoying it, storing new varieties inside  big mason jars and drinking it with delight, except me, so I decided to forget about it. And then one day, almost by chance, I prepared just a single cup of water with a slice of cucumber and another one of lemon, I took a tiny sip and it was not too bad, then another one and -by doing that- I finished the cup.

The same persons who had written about that were already busy with another thing: chia puddings, raw breakfast bars or maybe homemade granola (you get the idea) and I was still trying to become used to naturally flavored water. And -being analytic as I am- I started to think about how this could be possible. 


I was not unhappy with that (on the contrary I always appreciate inspiration) or concerned by my slowness ( it takes me time to make changes and I have clear criteria about things). I didn´t feel uneasy either (I know that quite often a small post is just the final step of a longer process), I was simply curious about how a this movements and trends worked.

I started a blog in order to find a space where I could be myself and other's blogs became a mirror where I could see the same determination that was moving me. It was a way to stay outside the conventional paths and to be creative, but of course, nothing escape the market’s clutches and now blogs are part of a wider scheme that involves many social nets, trending topics, trend setters, big marketing teams… you name it. 


Of course, this doesn't invalidate that kind of proposals, if perhaps makes them a bit more predictable. However, blogs still allow connection, the sense of belonging to a big community of kindred spirits or the possibility to overcome the gap that existed before depending on social origin or cultural background. They also help to make the world visible  as it is, to increase personal opportunities and spread knowledge… but –because it is in market interest- there are now a sort of (increasing) equalization that was less evident years ago. 

The good new is that regardless of this, there are still many persons making the most extraordinary things on a regular basis, showing us that there is a spark of brilliance in all of us, promoting awareness, advocating creativity, reclaiming their own strength, their vision,  and -through that- making us connect to our inner warrior, encouraging us to fight our  everyday battles. 

Yes, there are still lots of authenticity and uniqueness out there.  And I love having the chance to contemplate it. 


This entry is part of a project I am developing with my friend Montse Gallardo. We'll share 52 photos. Her photos will be always taken outside and my photos will be indoor shots only. We have created a Facebook page: In and Out. 52 weeks where you can see all the photos of the project. 

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