23.11.14

DAY 556

insight

When I first started this journey I used to have so many expectations. So many beliefs about all the things that I had to change, achieve, conquer or demonstrate

I used to have so many preconceived idea. So many beliefs about what would make me happy or proud of myself or pleased with my life.

I used to have so many prejudices. So many beliefs about what kind of experiences were worth living, what kind problems were worth thinking about, what kind of behaviors would increase my self-worth

I used to have so many opinions. So many beliefs about myself, about my own importance, my past, my future, my present, my life.

I used to have so many needs. Need to do the right thing, need to fit, need to be approved, need to be loved, need to be perfect, need to be forgiven, excused and also, compensated

I thought that my inner work would prove that I was right, would give me the power to success and to achieve self-satisfaction, the ability to make unquestionable decisions, would make me be more valuable… better than others, I thought that maybe it would redeem me but it has showed me that I was totally wrong.

It has showed me that my expectations, preconceived ideas, prejudices, opinions and needs were useless. Finally I am learning that life doesn´t have to be mended. Indeed, every moment is sacred.

Finally I am realizing that joy is an option, not a privilege.  I am understanding  the rationale of this existence which is a gift, a miracle, not something meant to be controlled, explained.

Finally I am admitting that I am (have ever been) a radiant being, that love and light are (have ever been) by my side.  And  I have come to the conclusion that  I can  trust this process,   universe´s guidance and my own inner voice.

Finally I am grounded in acceptance.



Please note, I have updated my gratitude page this week, if you want to have a look follow this link


9.11.14

DAY 555

blessed

When I first started to look for answers I explored many paths but after some time, I started to came across the same ideas and advices repeatedly no matter where I searched for. I found out that the rudiments of any rewarding life were: forgiveness, gratitude, acceptance, kindness (to ourselves and others), attention and compassion. Retrospectively, I can see that the recurrence of those words marked the beginning of my journey.

According to my readings, those six words compiled the essential elements that any person would need to experience a new vision of his or her existence, of its sacred meaning. They would allow me to awake to the real sense of life by feeling connected to something bigger than me and recovering my sense of belonging. Those six words would help me to heal.

I was so exhausted, lost and in need of guidance that I was ready to try almost anything, (indeed the way I felt was the prime reason of my hunt) but it happened that those words resonated deeply with me.

Time has proved my intuition to be true. Those words have been my keys to unlock all the beauty that now is present in my life and to liberate my soul.

I have been exploring them in the same order just like I have written them here. And even when now they are not single threads anymore, but form a sort of weave, firstly I learnt about them and tried to internalize their basic lessons one by one. I didn´t decide this ahead, it just happened thanks to the way my inner work was developing, as if a secret (or higher) plan already existed… I just followed the sings: the title of a book here and there, a new author mentioned somewhere, a site that caught my attention, a phrase on an article which was otherwise useless, an advice of a friend or just a loose word that seems significant.

Obviously, their meaning has become much deeper as they have been woven together along my own journey but each word alone contains multiple connotations and a complexity that make it quite interesting although not easily approachable.

Of course, I am still dealing with them as a whole and individually and I am also adding new words to the list. This is still a work in progress and I think it will be a long life process but I am seeing great advances. I cannot believe how much I have changed and progressed since I started. I cannot believe the sense of peace and serenity that now goes with me everywhere. I cannot believe how happy I am now with myself for not a particular reason, just for being me. I cannot believe how much I enjoy life now. How much I can appreciate and celebrate.

I have found a way of living that suits my inner yearnings, that is enriching, nourishing, makes me feel happy, healed, while it allows me to realize my own potential. And that, dear friends, is priceless.


PS: In November I´ll be celebrating gratitude. I´ll post a weekly post on my gratitude page and will share with you all the things I am grateful for, but I wanted to start the series honoring my own process in particular, all the things I have learned thanks to this blog and by sharing with you my thoughts. Thanks so much!

30.10.14

DAY 554

expanding the sense of belonging

"When we see who is really in front of us, when we can glimpse a bit of their “secret history,” we don’t want them to suffer, and our circle of compassion naturally widens to include them"

Tara Brach

21.10.14

DAY 553

treasuring delicacy

Going through this life is not that easy sometimes.  We can change and learn but certain things will continue to happen, things that often hit us in our frailest side. That´s the reason why is important to be ready to accept our own fragility and act consequently.  

Along the years I have realized (and internalized) that most of my inner work is  aimed at healing early wounds, but till recently I have not acknowldeged that the soft tissue that I am creating by fixing those wounds is not strong enough to bear some kind of impacts.

It has taken me time to admit it. I used to think that I was fixing things  in order to  become invulnerable,  but I have come to understand  that I am just learning to deal with my own vulnerability (I am  indeed,  embracing it) and to improve my resilience, I am not  chasing perfection.   

I have had to reconcile with the truth of my story  before reaching that kind of acceptance.  I have had to stop trying to compensate my past, stop trying to be immune, unaffected by the act of living. In short, I have had to see myself as I really am: injured, strong, prone to struggle, brave but also sensitive to all the things that can drain my energy, to any form of abuse, still delicate, still liable to suffer danger.

After  reaching  this stage, I realized that I can love myself.  Now I know that I have  not to feel  ashamed by that, I have  not to feel guilty, I have  not to feel  a looser. I have fought against fear and anger and pain and the lack of connection  and I have won.  So I have  to be confident and proud, but also (and this makes a whole difference) gentle and tender with the person I really am.

I am learning to remember what can increase my power and resistance and  what can steal them;  what can increase my joy  and self-esteem and what can destroy them; what can make me feel more competent and what can make me feel inept,  and by accepting this (even when it may sound paradoxical)  I am honoring my vulnerable side instead of considering it a weakness,  of considering myself broken.

This new approach (that is all about daring to be open, visible, real)   is making me feel even healthier  and it´s allowing me to transform myself in a way that I thought was not possible.  

Of course, I am experiencing a sense of lose (I´ve been so attached to my ideas about  strength and success, of being completely immaculate and undaunted!!), but also, I am setting free  a great amount of blocking energy  while  permitting those preconceived ideas to fall down. 

Maybe they were appealing long ago, but now I need  to expose myself to the danger of being authentic. And it feels good.

7.10.14

DAY 552

equinoctial

"Look again at that dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every 'superstar,' every 'supreme leader,' every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there - on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam."

Carl Sagan



After a few weeks feeling a bit sad (read previous post) I am recovering not calm, because I´ve been serene all that time long, but the sense of connection and belonging and the genuine amazement provided by being walking my path, developing this journey of mine.

 I think autumn (my favorite season) and the first rains have something to do with this, but also a sort of awaken that I have experienced the last week. Step by step I am returning to my own self.

Happy Week and Much Love

Z.
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